I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
