it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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