I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
