im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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