I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize