Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
