I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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