It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
