Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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