cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
