You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
