There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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