Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
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One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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