his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
