seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
