I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You have to summon your inner elephant
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
