I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
