it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
