fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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