I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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