I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
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holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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