Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
