I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You are a genius and a whore.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
