After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
