she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
