so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
