I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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