I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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