I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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