i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
