Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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