There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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