Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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