I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
