How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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