If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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