her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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