ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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