So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
