His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
