My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
