Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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