I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
