Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
