He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
