yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
