my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
