I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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