So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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