you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
