I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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