I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
