You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
