When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
