She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
