New invention idea: vibrating tampons
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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