we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
