she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
