I just threw up on my dentist
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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