why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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